Oneness in Marriage (Mark Sermon 48)

This morning I’m going to preach on the same topic as I did last week. I’m going to be working through Matthew 19 more than Mark 10. On December 21st, 1988, a timer activated bomb exploded on PanAm flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing all 259 individuals on board and 11 individuals on the ground. Since the massive Boeing 747 airplane had reached an altitude of 31,000 feet, the explosion created what some called the largest crime scene in history. The wreck had spread over more than 1,200 square miles. Investigators painstakingly collected the fragments in order to determine the cause of the explosion. Eventually, these amazingly skilled people identified trace amounts of explosives to help confirm that this incident was not an accident, but indeed caused by an act of terrorism deliberately planned and executed with murderous intent. The stunning level of meticulous and far-reaching collection of fragments from an explosion, and the subsequent analysis of these fragments to deduce the cause and then bring to justice to criminals was unprecedented at the time and has never been equaled since.

As I was reading about this effort, my mind went to the phrase, “the largest crime scene in history.” Sometime ago I began to meditate on the theology of original sin in Adam, the effect of Adam’s sin in the world and on every generation that followed. A particular passage in Ephesians 1:9-10 has come to my mind as being very significant in understanding not just sin but redemption and the work of Christ in redemption. It gave me an image years ago of sin having had the effect on the universe like a fragmentation grenade, a phrase I used years ago. It came from Ephesians 1:9-10, “God made known to us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.” Think about that. God’s ultimate purpose, which He will fulfill at the end of all things, is to gather, to bring together all things in heaven and on earth, to bring them all together and make them perfectly one in Christ.

This was a powerful insight in helping understand the effect that sin has had on the universe visible and invisible, how it has blown apart things that are meant to be together. What God has done with his work of redemption through the cross of Jesus Christ and through his resurrection, He will bring all things in the universe together into perfect oneness. Isn’t that something to look forward to, brother and sisters? He will reverse the explosive effects of sin which ripped apart things that were meant to be together.

“What God has done with his work of redemption through the cross of Jesus Christ and through his resurrection, He will bring all things in the universe together into perfect oneness.”

In light of that concept of sin as the ultimate fragmentation grenade or explosive device, I came to realize that this suffering planet Earth and actually all of human history itself is the largest crime scene in history and the Lockerbie explosion, just a subset of that larger crime scene. We see the effects of that explosion, that divisiveness of sin all over the world, everywhere we look in disunity, fragmentation, brokenness in all human relationships. But especially I want to zero in this morning on the topic of marriage and divorce. My purpose is to point with great hope to the power of Christ in marriage, to reject as we did last week, divorce categorically as Jesus does, and to defeat it with God’s vision of oneness. I want to zero in on that concept of oneness in marriage today.

I. Review: Jesus on Marriage and Divorce

Let’s do some review from last week on Jesus’ view of marriage and divorce. The Pharisees came to Jesus with a vicious test asking, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife, in Matthew 19:3, for any and every cause, any and every reason, whatever reason He wants?

Walking through Jesus’s answer from Matthew 19, haven’t you read as we said last time in Jesus’ mind, that the answer for all marital issues, all marital problems is in the Bible? The Bible is sufficient, completely sufficient to define marriage, to heal it, to empower it, make it fruitful. Haven’t you read that Jesus went back to God’s original intention in marriage, asserting that the paradigm God set up at the beginning of human history is permanent for all of human history?

In the account you heard in Mark, Jesus begins right away with “What did Moses command you?” They went barking up the wrong tree. Moses permitted a divorce. Jesus was saying, “No, I’m talking about Moses, I’m talking about earlier than that. I’m talking about Genesis 1 and 2. What did Moses command you?” That was Jesus’ mindset. The paradigm at the beginning, the creator said, is good for all time. I said last week, God made marriage originally and God makes marriages specifically, God is active in bringing a couple together. God made the ultimate, the original paradigm and lays it on all cultures, all marriage for all time. We’ll never change on that.

Haven’t you read that in the beginning the creator made them male and female, God spoke through biology and He spoke also through scripture. The nature of things, the reality, the significance of gender will never go away. Jesus is not confused about it. We shouldn’t be confused either. One man, one woman, covenant union for life, that’s marriage. He said for this reason, “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh” [Genesis 2:24]. God said it. It doesn’t matter that Moses wrote it ultimately. What matters is God said this is the paradigm He gave us. A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, “cleave” in the KJV very famously, like they’re glued together, a picture of oneness. The two will become one flesh, the adding of the word “flesh” clearly implying that the sexual union that is unique to the marriage relationship, the one flesh union through which children are procreated.

But then Jesus doubles down, He circles back on that saying, so they are no longer two but one in case you missed it, he adds that extra phrase; they are no longer two but one. That is the foundational truth. The two become one is the reason why divorce is wrong. Then his final legal binding pronouncement, therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. That’s the ruling by the judge of all the earth. John 5, “all judgment has been entrusted to the Son.” He is the judge of all human beings and this is his verdict on this matter. This is his command, his prohibition. Let man not separate. So no, it is not lawful. No, it is not right for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason.

Then in Matthew 19, the question, why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied that Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard, but it was not this way from the beginning. He walks through the Moses statement and law concerning divorce. Then the clear prohibition [Matthew 19:9], “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness, “porneia”, and marries another woman commits adultery.” In Mark 10:11-12, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her and if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

So not dealing with the exception clause, which I dealt with last week, in general, divorce is forbidden. I ended last week with an illustration from that photographer turned family minister, Reb Bradley. You remember how he had photographed their wedding and some of you maybe weren’t here last week, but this photographer had photographed a wedding, but later in his ministry he saw this man who said, “I think you photographed our wedding.” “Yeah, I remember. How’s it going?” The man said, “I think we’re going to get a divorce.” Then there was this awkward pause; but it’s important, you need to know when to do an awkward pause. Crickets. “You can’t,” he said, “I beg your pardon.” “You heard me? You can’t. I was there as a photographer, but I was also there as a witness and I heard what you said and this is the very thing you promised you wouldn’t do and I’m holding you to it.” He said, “What do you want me to do?” “Work it out.” I didn’t tell you the rest of the story. He met with the couple and they did work it out and they didn’t get a divorce, a happy ending. Now this is my effort to help you all work it out. That’s what this sermon is. It’s like, okay pastor, we can’t get a divorce, so help us, help us to work it out. That’s what we’re going to do. There are a lot of approaches I could take on this sermon today. I’ve already walked through what I did last week. This is meant to be helpful to marriages.

First of all, I’m very aware that not everyone I’m talking to is married right now. I’m aware that some were married. You’re either divorced in the past or are a widow/widower. I understand that. Others of you will be married in the future, but you’re not married now. Others of you, I am very aware, have the gift of singleness, but I am coming from the basic concept of us as a local church we should care about each other. We should care about others who are not in the exact condition we’re in. We should care about their situations. I would hope that every member of this church and indeed every visitor would care about the health of the marriages in this church and marriage in general, so I’m going forward in that conception.

What I’m going to do, I decided I’m going to stay in my lane here on this because I could go anywhere. There are hundreds of sermons I could preach on marriage, lot of different passages I could go to, but I want to stick to Matthew 19 and Mark 10, and stick to two issues. Above all, above all, oneness. That’s going to be my answer, that we would understand it. What is attacking oneness? Jesus said hardness of heart. I’m going to start with hardness of heart to try to understand it and how it creates divorce and then go from that to a discussion of oneness. Then I’m going to speak toward a more perfect oneness that can happen, toward more perfect oneness in marriage.

II. The Problem: Hardness of Heart

Let’s start with the problem. The problem is hardness of heart. Jesus said, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.” What does this mean? “Hardness of heart”, biblically, the phrase refers to resistance or rebellion against the Word of God, a resistance to a rebellion against the Word of God. That’s hardness of heart. The first time we see the phrase famously is with the condition of Pharaoh. You remember at the time of the Exodus [Exodus 5], God commanded Pharaoh, “Let my people go.” Pharaoh said, “Who is the Lord that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the Lord and I will not let Israel go.” That’s hardness of heart right there.

Later in Exodus 7:13-14, “so Pharaoh’s heart became hard and he would not listen to them just as the Lord had said.” So hardness of heart means I’m not listening to what God is saying. Then the Lord said to Moses, “Pharaoh’s heart is unyielding”, so it’s an unyieldedness to God. You’re not yielding to God. Pharaoh refuses to let the people go, so hardness of heart is rebellion against God. Sadly, tragically, it was later clearly displayed in the people of Israel themselves again and again and again this hardness of heart toward God. So much so that David writing centuries later in Psalm 95:7-10 said, “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did at Mariba, as you did that day at Masa in the desert where your father’s tested and tried me though they had seen what I did. For forty years I was angry with that generation and I said, they are a people whose hearts go astray and they have not known my ways.”

That’s hardness of heart, going astray from God, not knowing his ways. A hard heart then is one that is stubborn toward God. It’s not soft, it’s not yielded, it’s not obedient. I believe biblically a synonym for a hard heart in the case of Israel was “stiff neck”. Again and again you see that that statement, they are a “stiff neck” people. [Exodus 32:9]. The Lord said it to Moses, and they are a stiff neck people. I think it’s a synonym, it’s just a different image for the same thing. It means to be rebellious, not soft, not yielded to God. You’re fighting him, pushing back. The author of the Hebrews picks up on Psalm 95 and applies it to all Christians for all time. “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” It’s a fundamental command to all people apart from marriage on any topic. If you hear God speak to you from his Word, don’t harden your hearts as they did in the rebellion. It comes from Romans 8:7, “the mind of the flesh is hostile to God.” It does not submit to God’s law. Indeed, it cannot. That is a hostility toward God that does not submit to God and to his law. The hardness aspect implies that God wants softness when it comes to his Word, a yieldedness, compliance, obedience.

Divorce comes about when people harden their hearts toward God above all. They will not obey his rules. They break rules within the marriage, such as adultery. They’ll break God’s law within the marriage and destroy it, or in their relationships with each other and divorce comes as a result. But beyond that vertical nature of hardness of heart, there’s a hardness of a heart that happens horizontally within the marriage, the couple. A hard heart horizontally is one that’s not moved with compassion or love toward the circumstances of another. We are supposed to love our neighbor as ourself. Martin Luther said, “Your nearest neighbor is your wife.” Hardness of heart 95% of the time in the Bible is vertical, but there are sometimes that it’s used horizontally as in Zechariah 7:9-12, “this is what the Lord Almighty says, administer true justice, show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other. But they refuse to pay attention stubbornly, they turn their backs and stop their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words the Lord Almighty had sent by his Spirit.” So even those verses, though there’s a horizontal aspect, it’s really vertical, but it plays out horizontally. They are oppressing or closing up their hearts toward the needs of others, as in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Remember the priest sees the man bleeding by the side of the road and just walks on by. The Levite, sees the man bleeding by the side of the road and just walks on by. They have hard hearts.

“Divorce comes about when people harden their hearts toward God above all.”

Now, Christian marriage is based on love, a genuine affection that the two have for each other; an attraction of the two hearts together. They’re drawn in tenderness and affection toward one another. That means they have compassion toward one another and a commitment toward the issues of each other’s lives. Rejoicing when your spouse rejoices, mourning when your spouse mourns; what happens to your spouse happens to you. You share everything. Your hearts are bound together. But when hardness of heart comes in, the couple is no longer sensitive toward the feelings of the other.

Divorces can often display a tragic, a terrifying viciousness between two people who used to love each other, and God likens divorce to violence. He actually likens it directly to violence. It’s a form of violence. Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel. “I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” It’s a violent thing to say to someone that you used to love, “I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want to live my life with you anymore.” It rips that person apart. You can imagine the cleaving, the gluing together. There’s no way to get those two pieces of wood that are glued together, apart cleanly. It doesn’t come apart cleanly. It’s incredibly damaging.

To combat divorce, we have to start with this topic of hardness of heart. How do we solve that? Is that not the question of all of redemptive history? How do we solve this problem of hardness of heart? There is one and only one answer. And that is Jesus Christ, his saving work on the cross and the empty tomb. It is sufficient. It is sufficient. I would just say to you couples and indeed to everyone who hears me? Begin with letting your heart be convicted of your own sin. Be broken about your own sin. In Luke 18:13, the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven but beat his breast and said, “God, have mercy on me a sinner.” How can you say that to God in truth and then be hard in your heart toward your spouse?

Start there and then think of the demeanor that Jesus zeroes in on it, the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount. What kind of demeanor is seen in a saved person? What does it look like to be saved? He says, “blessed are the spiritual beggars, poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Someone who knows they have nothing to offer for their own souls, “blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” There’s a grieving over our sins, blessed are the meek. There’s a basic humility to someone that is being saved by the spirit through faith in Christ. They are meek toward others for they’ll inherit the earth. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a righteousness.” They don’t have and they still know they don’t have it. We want perfect righteousness. We’re hungry and thirsty for it, “for they will be filled.” “Blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy.” You walk through those beatitudes. Do you not see the power that has to solve whatever problem you’re having with your spouse? Then let your heart be soft toward Christ. We’re in Holy Week this week. Picture him screaming in agony while He’s being flagellated by the Romans. Omnipotent God in the flesh could have stopped that flagellation, but He was laying down his life for us sinners. By his stripes, we are healed and you need to say, my sin did that to Jesus. Look at him suffering there on the cross. Look at him. See him with eyes of faith before your eyes. Christ Jesus was portrayed as crucified. See him bleeding, crying out, “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Why? Because He’s our substitute, He’s the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Zechariah 12:10, “They will look on me, the one they appease and they will mourn for him as one mourns for an only child and grieve bitterly for me as one grieves for a firstborn son.” You’re grieving for Jesus’s suffering on your behalf.

Then understand the good news of the gospel is not just justification by faith alone as the thief on the cross, but it’s also a transformation of your basic nature, your core nature by the grace of God as described in Ezekiel 36:26-27, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and I’ll give you a heart of flesh and I’ll put my spirit in you and I’ll move you. Follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” That’s salvation. That’s the remedy to the hardness of heart. God takes out that heart of stone and gives you a living heart that can respond to his laws and his rules, and you see them as beautiful and delightful and the Spirit moves you to do them.

Then repent of the specific sins that are damaging your marriage. Start with pride, just a thought. Start with pride. “God, show me how I have been prideful toward my spouse.” Go from that quickly to sinful anger. They’re linked. Almost all anger in marriage is based on pride. Go to lust. How have you violated your marital commitments in that area? Selfishness, coldness, worldliness, arguments, complaining, thanklessness, all manner of sins that damage the marriage bond. Repent of them, name them and then let God do a deep work in you to soften your own heart first and then save your marriage next.

III. The Solution: Oneness

Now let’s talk about the solution, oneness. The foundation of Jesus’s conception of marriage and his prohibition against divorce is oneness. The two will become one flesh, so they’re no longer two but one. “Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” How can we understand the mystery, this mystery of oneness? It is a much deeper, broader, more significant topic than we ever could have imagined; this oneness. The whole goal, as I’ve said of God’s work in redemption [Ephesians 1], the mystery of his will. He made known to us the mystery of his will. So now we know it. We understand what God’s doing in the universe. According to his good pleasure, He’s pleased to do this. It brings God pleasure to do this, which He purposed in Christ, not apart from Christ; it couldn’t be done apart from Christ but in Christ only. To be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment. It’s not happened yet. We can see just by current events we’re not there yet, but when the times will have reached their fulfillment to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ, that’s his purpose. Oneness.

The ultimate picture pattern of oneness is God himself, the Trinity. We’re going into the glowing core of Christian theology. The deepest mystery of our faith, the doctrine of the Trinity. The Doctrine of the Trinity means that we believe there is one God and only one God who has eternally existed as three distinct persons, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God is one in essence and three in person. So three truths. Number one, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are distinct persons. Each of those persons is fully God and there is only one God. That’s the doctrine of the Trinity, but it’s mysterious. The mystery is the oneness, not the three. The threeness is not mysterious. Cultures all over the world are polytheistic. It’s not hard for us to imagine three gods or a pantheon of God’s. Mystery is Deuteronomy 6:4, “Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.” There is one God and only one God. Then Jesus elucidates. It was in the incarnation that then we started to expand and could more fully understand the doctrine of the Trinity because of Jesus’ claims about himself. He said in John 10:30, “I and the Father are one. Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father, but I’m not the father.” Or as prayer in John 17, which is vital to my whole presentation to you right now, John 17:11, “Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name, the name you gave me so that they may be one as we are one.” Again later in that same prayer, John 17:20-21, “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message that all of them may be one father just as you are in me and I am in you.”

So bringing it to marriage, all unity in a Christian marriage is based on the unity of the Trinity. It’s a picture of the unity of the Trinity, separate persons, but one as the Father and the Son are one. But what does that mean? Different centers of personality of being, but a shared essence. I want to commend to you Philippians 2:1-11, as the best kind of descriptive passages to explain how I conceive the oneness of the Father and the Son and the Spirit. We don’t have time to walk through it. I just want to commend to you Philippians 2:1-11, but especially starting at Philippians 2:2 where he’s commending this for the Philippian church.

“All unity in a Christian marriage is based on the unity of the Trinity.”

I want you to think about the Trinity in this sense, having the same mind, having the same love, being one in spirit, one in mind. It’s one translation of Philippians 2:2. The Father, the Son and the Spirit have the same mind. There’s a factual kind of scientific aspect to the oneness that they think the same way about every topic. They understand everything the same way. They have the same facts and agree that those are the facts. There is not the slightest shadow of a shade of disagreement between the Father, Son and the Spirit about any topic, ever. They’re of one mind with each other and they have the same love. It’s not just an intellectual, but there’s an affection side like a magnet attracted. That’s what love is. Their hearts are attracted to the same things or repulsed from the same things to the same degree. They love each other with the same love. There’s no unrequited love within the Trinity. They love the same things. They love righteousness, they hate wickedness. They love the people of God. They love the plans that they have, they have that same affection, the same love, and they are of the same spirit and most translate that in sense of the same purpose or direction or plan. They know what they’re about, they’re going in the same direction. They agree. They agreed before the foundation of the world about redemptive history. They agreed about every aspect of redemptive history, Father, Son, and Spirit. That is the unity that Christian couples should strive for.

You may ask, is that even possible here on earth? No, not perfectly, but it is the goal. That’s what we’re striving for in Christian unity. Unity here is in a local church that’s Philippians, but in marriage it also applies. How do you do that? He goes negative to say what is it that damages the unity of the Christian fellowship? Now we’re going to go over into marriage? “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest but also the interests of others.” Can I just say, husbands and wives, if you did that, you wouldn’t have any problems. But like, “Pastor, that’s hard.” You’re going right at your pride at that point. Pride is the greatest enemy to harmonious marriage. So don’t do anything out of selfish ambition or vain glory vaunting yourself. But in humility, consider your spouse better than you. Consider them at a higher level than you. In that sense, you’re going to honor them ahead of yourself and consider your spouse’s needs like you consider your own. Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. So that’s similar. The idea is we’re I’m going to consider your needs the way I consider my own. Then he gives us this beautiful example of Christ as the ultimate picture of humility. Have this mind in you which is also in Christ Jesus. Let me pause and say, Corinthians tells us we have the mind of Christ. In conversion you’ve been given through the Holy Spirit, the mind of Christ, use it. Think like Jesus, “who being in very nature, did not consider equality with God, something to be grasped but made himself nothing. Taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness and being found in appearance as a man he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on the cross.” Spouses that have that kind of servant attitude will have rich, full unity in marriage.

Paul, commonly urged this of Christians; he does it again and again. Philippians 4:2 is an interesting case study. “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of one mind with each other or agree with each other in the Lord.” Then he asks maybe a pastor, one of the elder there, Sysagist or loyal yokefellow, “help these women”. Help them what? Help them agree. I picture the three of them in a room and they’re not coming out till they all agree. Is that even feasible? Doesn’t matter whether it’s feasible, Paul’s saying, “Do it. Get in the room, two ladies and agree with each other, and pastor help him.”

It’s almost like Reb Bradley and the couple. We’re not coming out till we agree. That’s amazing. Think alike [First Corinthians 1:10]. He does that with the Corinthian church. “I appeal to you brothers in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.” That’s to the faction-ridden divided church of Corinth. A married couple can do this. A married couple can be of one mind together and to agree with each other.

Again, Second Corinthians 13:11, “Finally, brothers, goodbye. Aim for perfection. Listen to my appeal. Be of one mind, live in peace and the God of love and peace will be with you.” That’s sounds like you could say that to a married couple. Think of the beautiful example of the early churchman. Now think of it in terms of a Christian marriage, a Christian family, [Acts 4:32], “All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.” How beautiful is that? Or again, Romans 15:5-6, “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Now, that’s a beautiful marriage.

He’s talking to a church there, but it could be done in a Christian marriage. You’re praising Jesus together for his death and his resurrection. That’s a picture of what oneness in marriage can look like. I think that’s what the Lord meant, what our Lord meant when He said so they are no longer two but one. Sounds good. Why is it so hard? I’m going through this on Wednesday nights. Those of you that are with us on Wednesday nights know exactly where I’m at, I’m at Roman 7. That’s why it’s hard. Listen to this Roman 7:15-17, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do. I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.” Let me pause. You may be saying, “I just can’t do it. We just can’t do it.” As it is, Paul says, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. Because of indwelling sin we can’t do this, it seems. Later in that same chapter, “I find this law at work when I want to do good evil is right there with me. For in my inner being, I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.” It’s like there’s this law in my flesh that makes it hard for me to be a good husband. I want to be loving. I want to be kind. I want to listen. I want to be humble. I want to think that my wife has better ideas than I do. I’m sure she wants all the same thing too. Knowing, I mean, that she would think that I have good ideas too. But you know what happens? As soon as something comes up, we immediately bump into our prideful sin nature and it rises up. It’s hard. Everything in the Christian life is made hard by this. But I would say perhaps, especially marriage. You may say this sounds kind of hopeless. You’re giving us this beautiful pure picture, but it just cannot be. Paul says, “What a wretched man I am. Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Let me tell you something. If you’re a Christian, you have been rescued. If you’re a Christian, you are being rescued. If you’re a Christian, someday you will be finally rescued from this body of sin and death. In heaven, we will all be in Christ perfectly one as the Father and the Son. Ponder that, think about that. That’s where we’re heading. We’re heading to a world of perfect unity. Why is that? Because Jesus prayed for it, and Jesus isn’t just anybody. He prayed for it. I’ll say it again, John 17:22-23, “I have given them the glory you gave me, that they may be one as we are one. I in them, and you in me. May they be brought to complete perfect unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” In heaven, we will be as one, as the Father and Son are one. We’re going to agree about everything. And you wives are saying right now, “Finally, he’ll see it the right way.” It’s going to happen, ladies. It’s going to happen. He’s finally going to see it the right way and so will you. Perfect oneness. You know what that means? You Christian couples, you’re heading toward a world of super marriage in heaven without actually having a one flesh union. One flesh union won’t be needed anymore, you will not be married. We’d be like the angels in heaven, but you’ll have a superior unity in Christ than you ever had here on earth.

That’s something to look forward to, isn’t it? Why? Because Jesus prayed for it. It says in First John 5, “This is the confidence we have. If we ask anything according to God’s will, He hears us. And we know that if He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we ask of him.” That’s true of Jesus. Does Jesus ask according to the will of God? Friends, that’s an easy theology question. Do you think that Jesus asks God for things that God wants to give Jesus? Yes. Jesus bats a thousand on his prayer request. That means everything He prays for in John 17, He’s going to get. This is Jesus interceding at the right hand of God that will end up as one, as the Father and Son are one and we will.

The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective [James 5:16]. Is Jesus a righteous man? Oh, perfectly righteous. Does He pray according to the will of the Father? Yes, He does. He’s going to get it. So we’re going to be one. His prayer in John 17 is us being brought to complete unity to let the onlooking world see it and want to come to Christ. The more that husbands and wives in this world can work out a beautiful unity, a heavenly unity, the better it’ll be for their children who watch them, their friends who know them, the church who knows them, the better it is for everybody. So that we can be one in Christ.

IV. Moving Toward Oneness in Marriage

How to move toward oneness? Draw close to Christ. John 15, “I am the vine you are the branches.” If you remain in Jesus, if his words remain in you, you saturate yourself in his word. Ask whatever you wish. Pray together. You have an issue that’s dividing you, could be finances, could be parenting, could be where to go on vacation, could be in-law issues, it could be whether to buy that house or not. It could be job related issues. All kinds of manners of things big and small. Draw together, pray together. Let his word abide in you, dwell in you richly. Search the scriptures to see what God’s Word says about that topic. And let the Lord draw you together and not let the issue divide you.

“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind [Romans 12:2], then you’ll be able to test and approve what God’s will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Let that be the pattern. Ask God for wisdom. And if you’re struggling in your marriage, I would just commend James 4:8-10, “Come near to God and He’ll come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners. Purify your hearts you double minded; grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up.” Hold hands together, confess your sins to each other. Freely give forgiveness to each other because you’ve been forgiven 10,000 talents. And then communicate, listen to each other. Talk about the issue, work it through. Ask God for wisdom. Search the scriptures and walk together in oneness.

There’s like three or four other pages of stuff, but we don’t have time. We’re going to turn now to a time of the Lord’s Supper. This is a beautiful picture of our heavenly unity that we’re going to have. I’m going to close the sermon time and pray.

Father, we thank you for the truths you’ve given us today for oneness in marriage, concerning hardness of heart and oneness. I pray that you take these lessons and press them on deeply into our hearts. And now as we turn to celebration of the Lord’s Supper, be with us in the center of this time. In Jesus name, Amen.

On December 21, 1988, a timer-activated bomb exploded on Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing all 259 individuals on board and 11 individuals on the ground. Since the massive Boeing 747 airplane had reached an altitude of 31,000 feet, the explosion created what some have called the largest crime scene in world history. The wreckage spread over more than 1200 square miles. Investigators painstakingly collected the fragments in order determine the cause of the explosion. Eventually, these amazingly skilled people identified trace amounts of explosives to help confirm that this incident was indeed caused by an act of terrorism… deliberately planned and executed with murderous intent.

This stunning level of meticulous and far-reaching collection of fragments from an explosion and analysis of these fragments to deduce the cause and then bring to justice the criminals was unprecedented at the time and has never been matched since.

As I was reading about this effort, my mind went to the phrase “the largest crime scene in world history.” Some time ago, I began to meditate on the effects of the sin of Adam on the world and on every generation that has followed. A particular verse, Ephesians 1:10, was instructive for my understanding of what that original sin has done, and what all sin has done since that time… the effect like a fragmentation grenade:

Ephesians 1:9-10  And [God] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ,  10 to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment– to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

God’s ultimate purpose in Christ was to GATHER ALL THINGS IN HEAVEN AND ON EARTH TOGETHER and MAKE THEM PERFECTLY ONE IN CHRIST…

This was a powerful insight in helping me understand how sin has blasted things apart that were meant to be together.

When God is done with his work of redemption through the cross of Christ, he will bring all things in the universe together into perfect oneness. He will reverse the explosive effects of sin, which ripped things apart that were meant to be together.

It is in light of that concept of sin as the ultimate fragmentation grenade that I realized that this suffering planet Earth and all of HUMAN HISTORY ITSELF is indeed “the largest crime scene in the history of the world.” We see the effects of the explosion of sin in the disunity in all human relationships… but especially this morning in the topic of MARRIAGE and DIVORCE.

My purpose this morning is to point with great hope to the power of Christ in marriage… to reject divorce categorically, and to defeat it with God’s vision of ONENESS in marriage.

I. Review: Jesus on Marriage and Divorce
A. The Pharisees’ Vicious Trap

Mark 10:2  Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

Or more particularly:

Matthew 19:3  They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

B. Walking Through Jesus’ Answer (from Matthew)

1. “Haven’t you read”: The answers for marital problems is in the Bible; the Bible is completely sufficient to define, heal, and empower marriage

2. “that at the beginning, the Creator…”: Jesus cited God’s original intention in marriage, asserting that the paradigm God set up at the beginning of human history is permanent for all of human history

“God made marriage originally; and God makes marriages specifically.”

3. “Made them male and female”: God spoke through biology, as God also spoke through Scripture; the nature of things shows God’s intention… one man, one woman

4. “And said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.”

a. Genesis 2:24… a timeless pattern

b. “united to his wife” = cleave (KJV) like they are glued together

c. “one flesh”: clearly referring to the sexual union which makes marriage unique and is the basis also for procreation

5. “So they are no longer two but one”: Jesus doubled-down on the two become one imagery as the foundational truth

6. “Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate”: this is the final ruling by the judge of all the earth; NO, it is not lawful for a man to divorce his wife FOR ANY AND EVERY REASON; couples don’t have the RIGHT

7. The question about Moses

Matthew 19:7-8  “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”  8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

8. The clear prohibition

Matthew 19:9  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

Mark 10:11-12  “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.  12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

C. Okay… so for the most part divorce is FORBIDDEN

1. The illustration from Reb Bradley: “You can’t. So.. work it out!”

2. Ok… Pastor… help us “Work it out!”

3. That’s what this sermon is about; to try to help the marriages of FBC succeed and be fruitful for the glory of God

D. My Approach

1. There are dozens of passages I could use to help marriages

2. I want to stay focused on the words and themes directly raised and used by Jesus in this one exchange in Matthew 19/Mark 10

3. Two parts: The Problem (Hardness of Heart); and The Solution (Oneness)

II. The Problem: Hardness of Heart
A. Jesus Said the Cause of Divorce was “Hardness of Heart”

Matthew 19:8  “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.

B. What Does That Mean?

1. Biblically, the phrase refers to resistance, rebellion against the Word of God

The first time we see it is famously in Pharaoh:

Exodus 5:1-2  God commanded Pharaoh: ‘Let my people go… 2 Pharaoh said, “Who is the LORD, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the LORD and I will not let Israel go.”

Exodus 7:13-14  Pharaoh’s heart became hard and he would not listen to them, just as the LORD had said.  14Then the LORD said to Moses, “Pharaoh’s heart is unyielding; he refuses to let the people go.

Sadly later it was put on display with the Jewish nation themselves:

Psalm 95:7-10  Today, if you hear his voice,  8 do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the desert,  9 where your fathers tested and tried me, though they had seen what I did.  10 For forty years I was angry with that generation; I said, “They are a people whose hearts go astray, and they have not known my ways.”

A hard heart is one that is stubborn toward God, not soft and yielded and obedient; a synonym for the hardened hearts of the Jewish people was their “stiff necks”:

Exodus 32:9  “I have seen these people,” the LORD said to Moses, “and they are a stiff-necked people.

That means to be rebellious, not soft and yielded:

Hebrews 3:15 “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion.”

Romans 8:7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.

2. The hardness aspect implies that God wants softness when it comes to his word, meaning YIELDEDNESS or compliance; divorce comes about when people harden their hearts toward God above all and will not obey his rules within the marriage or about the marriage; that’s why divorce happens

3. Beyond the VERTICAL nature of a hardened heart is the horizontal nature of hardness toward one another in their circumstances

a. A hard heart is one that is not MOVED with compassion toward the conditions or sufferings of others

Zechariah 7:9-12  “This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.  10 Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.’  11 “But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and stopped up their ears.  12 They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit

b. Like the priest and the Levite in the Parable of the Good Samaritan, they see the man bleeding by the side of the road and have no feelings of pity or compassion

c. Christian marriage is based on love… heart attraction, affection, tenderness, being drawn toward the other person

d. That means compassion… rejoicing when your spouse rejoices, mourning when your spouse mourns

e. You share everything … hearts bound together

f. But when HARDNESS OF HEART comes it, the couple no longer is sensitive toward the feelings of the other

4. Divorces can often display a terrifying viciousness between two people that used to love each other

5. God likens divorce to a form of violence

Malachi 2:16  “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

C. To Combat Divorce, We Start by Combatting this Hardness of Heart

1. Everything starts with salvation through faith in Christ

2. Let your heart be convicted of sin… broken and weeping over it

Luke 18:13  “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

Matthew 5:3-7  “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.  6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.  7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

3. Then let your heart be soft toward what Christ did on the cross

Zechariah 12:10  “They will look on me, the one they have pierced, and they will mourn for me as one mourns for an only child, and grieve bitterly for me as one grieves for a firstborn son.

4. Understand what conversion does to a sinner’s heart

Ezekiel 36:26-27  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

5. Then repent of your sins that are damaging your marriage

PRIDE… sinful anger… lust… selfishness… coldness… worldliness… arguments… complaining… thanklessness

6. Let God do a deep work in you to soften your own heart first, then save your marriage next

III. The Solution: Oneness
A. The Foundation to Jesus’ Conception of Marriage and His Prohibition Against Divorce: Oneness

Mark 10:8-9   the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.  9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

How can we understand the mystery of oneness? It is a much deeper and more significant topic than we ever imagined

The whole goal of God’s work of redemption in Christ is oneness:

Ephesians 1:9-10  And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ,  10 to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment– to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

B. The Trinity: The Pattern of True Oneness

1. Definition of the Trinity

The doctrine of the Trinity means that there is one God who eternally exists as three distinct Persons — the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Stated differently, God is one in essence and three in person. These definitions express three crucial truths: (1) the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are distinct Persons, (2) each Person is fully God, (3) there is only one God.

2. The Mystery is the Oneness, not the Threeness

a. Pagan nations from the beginning of recorded history have been polytheistic

b. That there would be three gods is no mystery to the natural mind

c. But here is the mystery

Deuteronomy 6:4  Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.

3. Jesus’ Statements

John 10:30  I and the Father are one.

John 17:11  Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name– the name you gave me– so that they may be one as we are one.

John 17:20-21  My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message,  21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.

4. All unity in marriage is based on the unity of the Trinity: separate persons, but one as the Father and the Son are one

C. What Does That MEAN?

1. Different centers of personality, of being

2. BUT a shared essence

3. A possible understanding of Trinitarian oneness

Philippians 2:2  having the same mind, having the same love, being one in spirit and one in mind.

The Father, the Son, and the Spirit have the SAME MIND… they agree about everything, down to the tiniest detail

The Father, the Son, and the Spirit have the same LOVE… they love each other the exact same way, and they love all the same things

The Father, the Son, and the Spirit have the SAME SPIRIT… meaning intention, purpose, direction

There is not the tiniest shadow or shade of disagreement ever!

That is UNITY

That is what Christian couples should strive for

D. Is That Possible Here on Earth?

1. Paul wants the Philippians to pursue it

2. The way they do that is to address their own selfishness

Philippians 2:3-4  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

3. He points to the humble “mind of Christ” as essential to oneness

Philippians 2:5-8  Have this mind in you which was also in Christ Jesus:  6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,  7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death– even death on a cross!

4. He commonly urged this of all Christians

Philippians 4:2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord.

This is amazing! Agree with each other!! Think alike!!

1 Corinthians 1:10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.

2 Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brothers, good-by. Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you

5. A beautiful example in the early church

Acts 4:32 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.

Romans 15:5-6  May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus,  6 so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

That is a picture of what oneness can look like in marriage!

Two separate individuals, agreeing with each other, loving each other in the Lord, patterning their oneness after the Trinity

That is what I think the Lord meant by, “So they are no longer two but one.”

IV. Moving Toward Oneness (in Marriage)
A. Sounds Good… Why Is It So Hard??

Well… as I said, it is because our hearts are hard

Paul deeply defined the problem:

Romans 7:15-17   I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

Romans 7:21-23  So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

B. HOPE!!!

Romans 7:24-25  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?  25 Thanks be to God– through Jesus Christ our Lord!

C. Jesus’ Prayer Means Perfect Unity Is Coming

John 17:22-23  I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one:  23 I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

1. In heaven, all Christians will be as one as the Father and the Son are one

2. So, all you Christian couples, your most perfect relationship is yet to come… even though you won’t be married (as in “one flesh”) in heaven, yet you will be perfectly one in heaven

3. Why? Because everything Jesus prays for, he gets!!

1 John 5:14-15  if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  15 And if we know that he hears us– whatever we ask– we know that we have what we asked of him.

Jesus always prays according to the will of his Father

James 5:16   The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Jesus is the only perfectly righteous man in history

So… Jesus is not just hoping that his people will be as one as the Father and the Son are one… we WILL BE

But the prayer is for HERE ON EARTH… being “brought toward” a perfect unity

HOW??

D. One in Christ

1. All Christian marriage is founded on our like faith in Christ

2. Christ is the vine, we are both the branches in it; for a healthy marriage, we must dwell in Christ continually and have his life-giving sap flowing through us continually

John 15:4-5  Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:7-8  If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.  8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

3. So in Christian marriage, we must be one in Christ at all times

4. If our spouse is not abiding in Christ, the marriage will suffer

5. To grow in unity in marriage, each of you needs to be having daily times in the word and prayer… his words need to dwell in each other, and each of you needs to be healthy in prayer

6. If one spouse is weak spiritually, the marriage will be damaged; it should matter huge whether your spouse is strong in Christ and in his word and in prayer

7. So also the family needs to be founded and centered on Christ every day

E. Unity in Mind

1. The biggest problem is DISAGREEMENT… we just think differently… maybe about finances, or parenting, or in-laws, or marital relations (i.e. sex), or about employment, or what car to buy

2. How then can we AGREE?

3. Understand that all truth about every issue comes from God

a. God the Father already knows what is true in the specific matter the couple is disputing

b. If there is disagreement, it’s because one or both of you is out of step with God mentally on the issue… you think differently from God, so you think differently from each other

c. Seek the Lord’s wisdom in Scripture, prayer, and the Holy Spirit

d. Oneness comes from TRUTH, and truth comes from Scripture

Romans 12:2  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is– his good, pleasing and perfect will.

James 1:5  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

4. See if there is any sin hindering your relationship

James 4:8-10  Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Confess your sins humbly to each other… pray humbly with each other

Listen carefully to each other; communicate openly with each other

Assume that each of you has something worthwhile to say about the issue at hand

5. One love

a. So often the issue is that the love has gone out of the marriage

b. That can even happen in our love for Christ

As God said to Israel:

Jeremiah 2:2  “‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown.

As Christ said to the church at Ephesus:

Revelation 2:4  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

c. Look at the remedy he gave to the church

Revelation 2:5  Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.

So it is with a married couple:

Remember… repent… renew!

Remember how things were earlier in your marriage; the things that first attracted you to each other; no, you are not going to look as handsome or beautiful as the day you were married, but there were other qualities that first attracted you to each other; REMEMBER how it used to be! Look at photos of those early times

Repent… as married couples go on in years of marriage, there is an accumulation of sins, of offenses you may have against each other; there is a tendency toward bitterness, long-term unforgiveness for incidents in the part, or habits in the present; each of the couples needs to repent of all sin

Renew… do the things you used to do toward each other

F. Habits of Oneness: Gary Chapman, the Five Love Languages

1. Words of affirmation (encouragement, compliments… )

Seek to use words to build up your spouse… to see ways they are doing well and speaking words to encourage them in who they are and what they have done

2. Quality time

Dates… coffee together… conversation at the end of a long day… walks on the beach focused just on each other; put the smartphone away, make eye contact

3. Gifts

Little gifts, flowers, a card, a book, a small box of chocolates, a tool for the workshop

4. Acts of service

Finding ways to serve your spouse, running errands, calling when you’re driving by the supermarket to offer to pick a few things up for them; making the bed; doing laundry; taking out the garbage; yardwork; putting gas in the car; bathing the kids; paying the bills; calling the plumber; preventative maintenance on the car

5. Physical touch

Not just sex, but hugs, handholding, cuddling in bed, a pat on the arm, a nice thorough back rub